Because of Eve (The Story of Life) (1948)

because of eve title cardDirected by Howard Bretherton

Featuring Joseph Crehan, John Parker and Wanda McKay

‘Remember Doc, when Bob and I came trotting into your office just before we were going to be married? We couldn’t wait to get those premartial physical examinations out of the way! Remember? What a time that was!’

Young couple Sally and Bob have been married for a year, and are hoping for a baby. They ask their kindly doctor for a pregnancy test, triggering a flashback to a year earlier when they attended the doctor’s surgery for pre-marriage check ups. At this appointment, the good old doc immediately blurts out how great it is that Bob’s VD has cleared up so well, and how wonderful it is that Sally’s previous out of wedlock pregnancy hasn’t affected her life (holy breach of patient confidentiality, Batman!). Bob and Sally both immediately get judgementally up in arms over the other’s perceived sexual misdeeds, and Sally storms out. But the good doctor manages to patch things up, and helpfully introduces them to the ‘facts of life’ via three educational shorts: The Story of VD, The Story of Reproduction and The Story of Birth.

This film exists mostly as excuse to bring the three sex ed shorts at its heart to a wider exploitation audience, broadening their reach from the classroom settings for which they were originally created. And so we settle in for the educational turned exploitational, in a series of films that may make you never want to have sex again. The Story of VD covers the effects of syphilis and gonorrhoea, featuring plentiful explicit footage of sores, infected penises, and (possibly stillborn) babies born with venereal diseases, plus some incredible statistics (did you know that ‘10% of all insanity if caused by syphilis!’?). The Story of Reproduction is a tamer look at the processes of menstruation, conception and foetal development, but does include some surprising for the era full-frontal nudity, plus typical heteropatriarchal bullshit defining man as ‘the worker’ and ‘the protector’, but woman as being solely ‘the incubator of the human egg’! Finally, The Story of Birth, which was probably intended as the highlight of the film, presenting graphic footage of a natural birth followed by a caesarian section. The C-section was especially difficult to watch, particularly when the doctor sticks his hands right into the incision in the poor woman’s uterus to try to remove the baby. These are the ‘facts of life’ all right.

Aside from the trio of educational shorts that make up much of its running time, the most notable thing about this film is that the dramatic wrap around sections are the most unbelievable and ridiculous that I have ever seen in a film of this type. First there is Sally, who seems deliriously excited at remembering the time the doctor taught them about the birds and the bees. Then onto the story of how Bob got VD: his good friend has about to be deployed in the army, so he hired a sex worker to celebrate. Bringing her round to their shared apartment, the lady of the night took advantage of Bob as he slept(!), leaving him with a sexually transmitted disease. But all was forgiven when Bob was also conscripted, and his buddy was killed in action during WWII while saving Bob’s life!

[*SPOILERS*] Even more ridiculously, when Sally tells her story of how she became pregnant outside of wedlock, the doctors realises that the fiancé who knocked her up and then died at war was the same guy who inadvertently caused Bob’s STD! Once Sally and Bob realise that the same loveable fellow was to blame for both their misfortunes, all their misgivings evaporate. They head off happily on to marriage and procreation, under the watchful eye of their doctor, plus god himself, as implied by the quote from Genesis that the film ends on. [*END SPOILERS*]

This film is mostly of historical interest, giving a glimpse into the sometimes twisted views past eras had of sex and gender roles, and the ways in which educational footage could be used to get around proscriptions on sex and nudity. But it is also marginally more entertaining than the average film of this type due to the silly melodrama of the wraparound story. This aspect of the film pushes it into the realm of camp, bringing with it more amusing moments and making it more watchable than usual for this kind of exploitation/education hybrid.

Worth watching? Mostly of curiosity value, but it has its moments and can be quite funny due to the ridiculousness of the plot.

Truth in advertising? In Christian tradition, it has been said that pain during menstruation and suffering during childbirth are the punishment that all women must bear due to Eve’s sins. The film does cover the topics of menstruation and childbirth, but with (thankfully) no focus on the sinful nature of womanhood, so I will deduct points for irrelevance: 2/5.

 

Matching Escort (1982)

matching escort title cardAKA: 金粉遊龍; Venus the Ninja; Wolf Devil Woman 2; Venus the Ninja Wolf; Wolfen Ninja; Fury of the Silver Fox; Venus the Cavalier

Directed by Sze Ma Pang (AKA: Pearl Cheung Ling)

Featuring Pearl Cheung Ling, Meng Fei, Peng Kang, Shih Feng, Shih Ying and Wang Hsieh

As a little girl in ancient China, Ming Ju has heavy iron shoes strapped to her feet, which she is forced to wear at all times. She grows up to be a lovely young woman, but her life is disrupted when attackers abruptly storm her home and kill her entire family. Ming Ju escapes via a secret passage, wearing around her neck the jade mandarin ducks that the villains are after. The plot is a little confusing, but their possession of this jade would somehow give them the ability to rule the world. In any case, just as the goons are closing in on her, Ming Ju takes off her iron shoes. Without their weight holding her down she can fly, and she escapes by somersaulting from tree to tree before flying away.

The bad guys put a price on Ming Ju’s head, so she goes on the run – with a series of comic misadventures along the way. Eventually some of the goons toss her off a cliff. She falls into an underground cave at the bottom, inhabited by a crotchety old man surrounded by giant fake flowers (looking a little like they were created for the set of a primary school play). Upon realising he knew her father he promises to teach her kung fu in order to avenge his death. Weirdly, this seems to involve very little fighting and more staring into bright lights while having various stinging substances smeared into her eyes. But no matter: once her master dies, Ming Ju heads off to get her revenge.

And get revenge she does: first with her master’s evil twin brother. She shows up in mourning garb and gets into an absolutely bonkers fight, involving high speed wire work flying, flipping the contents of tables onto the floor, snapping sword blades with her bare fingers, and even showing all onlookers the corpse of her master, which she brought along for the ride(!). With this out of the way, she rides off along a beach to the strains of an incredibly melodramatic song in order to bury her master at sea. From there, she returns to her family home to find the mastermind behind the murder of her family, getting into even more mad battles along the way.

Although not quite as outright insane as Wolf Devil Woman (1982), this film has many of the characteristics I have come to associate with Pearl Cheung Ling: ridiculous fight scenes, over the top wire work, bizarre sets, odd wigs, dodgy special effects, Pearl’s cartoonishly expressive face, and an all round off-kilter atmosphere, where you kind of feel like anything might be able to happen, comic one moment and tragic the next. To its advantage, this film has a more coherent plot than Wolf Devil Woman, making it an unusual but not totally head-scratching experience.

Pearl herself kicks arse as usual, never failing to steal the show. I imagine many people would see this film as an unintelligible, cheap piece of garbage. But I love the wild alternate universe of Pearl Cheung Ling’s films, and if you can get into the right mindset you might just enjoy this incredible piece of cinematic weirdness.

Worth watching? Another crazed wuxia fantasy epic from the unique mind of Pearl Cheung Ling: I am hesitant to recommend it for general viewing, but if you love the stranger side of cinema you will probably get a lot out of this.

Truth in advertising? I have no idea what the title is meant to mean, and none of the alternate titles make much sense in the context of the film either: 0/5.

Santo in the Witches Attack (1968)

santo in the witches attack title cardAKA: Atacan las Brujas; Santo Attacks the Witches; The Witches Attack

Directed by José Diaz Morales

Featuring Santo (Rodolfo Guzmán Huerta), Lorena Velazquez, Maria Eugenia San Martin, Ramon Bugarini and Edaena Ruiz

In a first out of all the Santo pictures I’ve seen, this film gets straight into things with weird, dark sequence where our heroine Ofelia dreams of lizards, ugly taxidermy and a hokey looking devil. Santo shows up almost immediately, scaling a wall to come and save Ofelia from from her captors. But goons capture Santo too, and chain him to a bench. Mayra, the queen of the witches, arrives with a troupe of witch accomplices, intending to sacrifice both Ofelia and Santo. But before the sacrifice can take place, Santo rips off his chains and forms his arms into the shape of a cross. This sends the witches and goons fleeing in terror, allowing Ofelia and Santo to escape – just as Ofelia wakes out of her dream.

Ofelia describes the dream to her boyfriend Arturro, who recognises the silver masked figure as being Santo. So Arturro puts her in touch with Santo to help with her dilemma. Ofelia can only inherit her dead parents’ fortune if she can live in their old house for a year. But when she tries to stay there, she is plagued by dreams where she is captured by witches and rescued by Santo. She is also afraid of her parents’ secretary Elisa, who does not seem to age, and who bears a suspicious resemblance to the witch queen Mayra. Santo repeatedly ventures into the creepy mansion to overcome the witches and try to save Ofelia’s life – and his own.

This unusual Santo movie is sometimes silly and cheap looking, but distinguishes itself by having a darker, more surreal atmosphere than most of his other films. There is very little wrestling (just one bout appearing mid film, feeling very much tacked on), and it feels more fantastical and detached from the real world than most Santo films. Santo has some fairly routine fights with Mayra’s goons, but interestingly is quite bamboozled in his interactions with Mayra herself. She appears to him wearing only a sparkly bikini, appearing and disappearing several times. At a loss as to how to react, he says to himself “I am the subject of an infernal seduction!” before eventually kicking the door down in order to flee and avoid giving in to Mayra’s temptations.

Aside from this, the plot gets pretty repetitive, stuck in a cycle that replays the events of Ofelia’s dreams multiple times: Ofelia gets captured by the witches, Santo goes to rescue her, he also gets captured and chained to a bench, but he escapes at the last minute and saves her – rinse and repeat. This is a major flaw of the film, and by the end it doesn’t feel like there can really be any surprises in store for the climactic battle against the witches, given how many times we have seen it all before. Despite this, I still found this Santo movie entertaining, and interesting due to the different feel it has compared to his other movies.

Worth watching? It’s not one of the best Santo movies, but it’s still fairly watchable.

Truth in advertising? 5/5.

 

Weatherwoman (1995)

weatherwoman title cardAKA: A Weatherwoman; Weather Girl; お天気お姉さん

Directed by Tomoaki Hosoyama

Featuring Kei Mizutani, Yasuyo Shirashima, Saori Taira, Takashi Sumida, Satoru Saitô and Ren Osugi

When the regular news bulletin weather woman takes a day off, ambitious, oversexed Keiko steps in as a substitute. After blatantly flashing her underpants on live TV, she becomes an overnight sensation and is given the weather gig permanently. Through fame comes power, and she rises to the top of the network, continuing to flash viewers during each nightly weather forecast. The network also assigns the previous weather woman to her as a personal servant, whose duties include licking soap suds off Keiko’s body during her bath time.

Keiko’s success is disrupted when the daughter of the TV station owner arrives back from Paris. Having her eye on the weather woman job too, she has Keiko fired for a sex scandal involving the aforementioned tongue bath time. Not to be stopped, Keiko takes off to the mountains with her childhood admirer, who whips her until she gains supernatural powers and control over the weather. She then returns to face the station owner’s daughter in the ultimate weather battle.

This Japanese comedy/sexploitation/satire on fame and the media is very weird and often very funny. In spite of all its silliness and rampant nudity/female masturbation, it has something that few sexploitation comedies seem to be able to deliver: it is full of surprises. From unexpected music numbers to a TV show called ‘Hello Mr Pervert’ to the baguettes that appear in the background whenever the station owner’s daughter is around, there always seems to be something new, which helps to keep things odd and entertaining in a genre that can be incredibly predictable.

Worth watching? This kind of movie is not going to be for everyone. But if weird (and very Japanese) sex comedies are your thing, this could be your kind of movie.

Truth in advertising? 5/5.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

death bed title cardDirected by George Barry

Featuring Demene Hall, Rusty Russ, Julie Ritter, Linda Bond, Rosa Luxemburg and Dave Marsh

In the remains of an isolated manor house, a demonic four poster bed eats those who lie on it for any length of time. Trapped behind a painting in the same room, an Aubrey Beardsley-eque artist narrates the story of how the demon bed came to be, as well as its eventual downfall.

In terms of plot, that’s about it. But plot is not really what this very odd film is about. An exploitation film full of arty touches, it has a bizarre concept and an even stranger execution. It’s also a horror-comedy film which does not completely succeed at being either: although mildly amusing at times, it is not particularly funny and is never really frightening or even sinister at all.

That said, this film makes for a pretty unique viewing experience, and with patience can be enjoyed on that level. The bed kills various people who intrude into its domain, devouring people (as well as food and other random items left on it) is by extruding gross looking bile-yellow foam. The item being eaten then falls into a seemingly huge volume of yellow liquid within the bed, where the digestion takes place – in once case, reducing a woman to a skull wearing a wig! All through this the artist provides a running narration which allows the audience to understand what’s going on. This narration is pretty much necessary to make sense of things, since in addition to the straightforward deaths caused by the bed, we are presented with a stream of disparate imagery, from newsreel-like sequences to an explanation of the bed’s supernatural origins, through to dream sequences and random shots of the bed’s digestion (including ingestion of antacids after eating a person that did not agree with it!). Experimental techniques are used here and there, giving it an unconventional feel. There are also moments of surreal silliness – most notably when a man tries to defeat the bed by stabbing(?!) it, and gets his hands pulled into the bed’s liquid core. Pulling them out, he finds them reduced to skeleton hands – yet instead of reacting with horror, he remains strangely calm, instead giving a serene commentary on them.

This film is quite competently made, particularly given its low budget, with a cool electronic score and some interesting and at times surreal imagery. On the downside, it is slow in places, not funny enough to be successful as a comedy and not scary enough to really work as horror. Add these elements together and it is an uncategorisable and unusual piece of outsider film – not always successful, but definitely unique.

Worth watching? While I wouldn’t really say it was a good film, it certainly has an interesting vision, and was not what I expected given the silly title. If the strange concept appeals to you and if you don’t mind a bit of arty weirdness, this one is probably worth a watch.

Truth in advertising? There is a bed, and this bed eats many things (and people over the course of the film): 5/5.

Goliath and the Sins of Babylon (1963)

goliath and the sins of bablyon title card

AKA: Maciste, l’Eroe più Grande del Mondo (literal translation: Maciste, the Greatest Hero in the World)

Directed by Michele Lupo

Featuring Mark Forest, José Greci, Giuliano Gemma, Erno Crisa, Mimmo Palmara and Arnaldo Fabrizio

The muscleman Goliath (our overdubbed Maciste stand-in) joins a gang of rebels from Nephys to fight for the freedom of their people from the tyrannical Babylonians, who demand of 30 virgins from Nephys as tribute every year. Along the way he gets involved in various other scrapes, including taking part in a chariot race against the princess Rezzia. Whoever can beat Rezzia wins her hand in marriage, ruling with her and taking the place of her evil uncle, the current king.

In its dubbed version at least, this film suffers from a somewhat confusing plot with too many characters – it is not always clear exactly who our heroes are fighting at any given time. But aside from that it is a pretty solid peplum, and one that is much more expensive looking than many others of its type. It has some truly spectacular scenes, including the chariot race, a battle between two ships at sea, and a city on fire, to give just a few examples. My main complaint about this movie is that Goliath does not really get to flex in any feats of strength, as is usually typical in this kind of sword and sandal epic. That and the unfortunate lack of involvement of the 30 comely virgins so often spoken about throughout the film.

But these are small quibbles. It’s not my favourite peplum (I tend to prefer the weirder examples), but it looks good and has a steady stream of action and plenty of fights to keep you entertained… plus of course the requisite comic relief little person, unfortunately. But overall it’s pretty good value so far as the genre goes.

Worth watching? For sword and sandal fans it’s a visually impressive, action packed treat.

Truth in advertising? The only ‘sin’ of Babylon that we see is their demand for sacrificial virgins. This may be pretty abhorrent, but it still doesn’t quite live up to the salacious promise of the title: 3/5.

The Hypnotic Eye (1960)

hypnotic eye title cardDirected by George Blair

Featuring Joe Patridge, Jacques Bergerac, Merry Anders, Marcia Henderson, Allison Hayes and Guy Prescott

Opening very memorably with a horrifying scene of a young woman calmly setting fire to her own hair over the rings of a gas stove, this film follows detective Dave Kennedy as he investigates a spate of cases of beautiful women mutilating themselves in weird accidents. Soon after this latest case, Dave and his girlfriend Marcia go with their friend Dodie to watch a stage hypnotist, Desmond. Although Dave is sceptical, the women are enthralled by Desmond’s act, particularly after Dodie volunteers to be hypnotised on stage. However, their enjoyment is short lived as later that night Dodie goes home and washes her face with sulphuric acid, leaving her face and hands horribly burned. Recovering in hospital, she reports no memory of being hypnotised, nor how she came to douse her own face with acid.

Wanting to get to the bottom of what happened to her friend, the following night Marcia goes back to see Desmond’s show again. This time she is invited on stage to be hypnotised, and sees the ‘hypnotic eye’ (a crude eyeball surrounded by flashing lights) that Desmond uses to induce a hypnotic trance. She later explains to Dave that she was almost hypnotised, but resisted – but that Desmond ordered her to visit him backstage later that night. She goes along, tailed by Dave and his psychiatrist friend. Marcia is hypnotised for real this time, and goes on a date with Desmond to a beatnik club while still hypnotised. Dave looks on in acute jealousy as she kicks off her shoes to dance with Desmond. But the real danger happens when she heads home and is almost led into a scalding hot shower by Desmond’s assistant Justine, only to be saved when Dave shows up at the last moment. Dave must work out the connection between the hypnotist and the bizarre self-mutilations before Marcia succumbs herself.

This neat little horror movie is mostly memorable for its nasty, almost misogynistic edge. The female victims’ self-mutilations are pretty strong for the time the film was made, and are likely to stick in viewers’ minds for quite some time. At the same time, it often plays more like a mystery than a horror movie, with most of the mutilations having occurred before the film starts.

The storyline is engaging and moves along at a good clip as the mystery unfurls – at least until the whole thing frustratingly grinds to an absolute halt just before the conclusion of the film. At this point we get a hypnosis demonstration that plays out in almost real time, with Desmond speaking his hypnotic instructions directly into the camera. Maybe this audience participation gimmick would have worked better in cinemas with the punters actually playing along, but watching this segment in a home setting was painfully boring. But the film does recover, with things getting abruptly back on track for a crazy, somewhat overwrought ending, followed by a final speech by Dave’s psychiatrist friend on the dangers of non-medical hypnosis (!). All in all it’s an interesting and unusual, if somewhat flawed, mystery/horror hybrid.

Worth watching? For fans of vintage horror, this one is well worth a look.

Truth in advertising? Desmond does use a device described as an ‘eye’ to induce hypnosis, but I am deducting a point due to the fact that this object does not look so much like an eye as it does a light-up ball: 4/5.

Lips of Blood (1975)

lips of blood title cardAKA: Lèvres de Sang

Directed by Jean Rollin

Featuring Jean-Loup Philippe, Annie Belle, Natalie Perrey, Catherine Castel, Marie-Pierre Castel, Hélène Maguin and Anita Berglund

After seeing a photo of a ruined castle, Frederic remembers an incident from when he was a child when a young woman in white helped him find shelter when he was out lost one night. He starts seeing the woman in white wherever he goes, and becomes obsessed with going to the ruined castle, believing it to have something to do with his past. At the same time, numerous mysterious individuals (plus Frederic’s own mother) are intent on keeping him from discovering the location of the castle, not afraid of resorting to violence or even murder in order to stop him. But in his pursuit of the woman in white, Frederic accidentally released four female vampires from a crypt. These vampires waft about in filmy, transparent robes, assisting Frederic on his journey by handily drinking the blood of those who stand in his way.

In many ways, this film is not necessarily good. The acting is pretty wooden, the vampires wear laughably ill-fitting fake fangs, and the plot is full of holes, with characters frequently making decisions that make absolutely no sense. But if you like arty, dreamlike exploitation, this will probably hit the spot. The endless shots of Frederic and the nearly naked vampires roaming the streets after dark may be repetitive, but they are also very beautiful. It all works best if you surrender to the dream-logic of the plot – if you let the imagery wash over you the themes of memory, longing and a journey to overcome childhood trauma meld into something quite poignant.

Worth watching? Rollin is a director whose films you will probably either love or hate. I am firmly in the former camp, and I really enjoyed this one.

Truth in advertising? Being about vampires, the title fits: 5/5.

Sakawa (2018)

sakawa title cardDirected by Ben Asamoah

With few other opportunities available to them, some poverty strickem Ghanians have turned to sakawa – a mix of illegal practices mostly involving online fraud plus black magic rituals – in order to try to eke out a living. This film examines the use of this internet scamming as an attempt to escape poverty, following a young man whose dream is to earn enough money to fulfil his dream of traveling to Italy and starting a farm, and a young woman who has just started learning how to find marks to scam online in order to raise funds needed to take on a hairdressing apprenticeship.

In giving a close up view of young Ghanians catfishing Westerners online and scanning discarded hard drives for data, this documentary retains a sense of distance and does not imply any judgement of the scammers actions. Despite knowing that the catfishers are preying on people rendered gullible by their own loneliness, I felt limited sympathy for those being scammed – the desperation behind the scammer’s actions (even as they brag and talk big amongst themselves) made their actions seem understandable. Trying to grab any opportunity that they see to claw their way out of poverty seems predictable in this setting, and it’s hard to feel sorry for anyone who would fall for some of the fake ‘female’ voices the male Ghanians put on when speaking over the phone to their ‘clients’ (as they call the foreigners they are attempting to scam).

The most disturbing element of the film is the cycle of exploitation that it depicts: scammers wring money out of their foolhardy clients, clients sexually exploit the scammers. Black magic practitioners exploit those involved in sakawa via ‘magical’ assistance to improve scamming success, and unscrupulous travel agents demand exorbitant fees in order to arrange passports and other documentation for those who wish to immigrate. This beautifully shot film gives an unexpected glimpse into the other side of an internet phenomenon whose existence many of us take for granted, exposing a global flow of manipulation and misuse of data.

Worth watching? Yes. This documentary looks gorgeous and gives a fascinating look at the ways in which the internet links developing and developed nations, in ways which are not always so beneficial to either.

Truth in advertising? 5/5.

 

Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet (1965)

voyage to the prehistoric planet title cardDirected by John Sebastian (AKA Curtis Harrington)

Featuring Basil Rathbone, Faith Domergue, Gennadi Vernov, Georgi Zhzhyonov, Yuriy Sarantsev, Georgiy Teykh and Vladimir Yemelyanov

In the year 2020, two spacecraft set off from a lunar base to explore Venus. Two of the astronauts (plus a robot named John) lose contact with the rest of the crew. The other astronauts land on Venus to search for them, running into carnivorous plants, a variety of dinosaurs, and other hazards along the way. They also hear a mysterious siren-like song, leading them to speculate on the existence of human-like female Venusians.

This film is one of several that Roger Corman produced using footage cut from Soviet science fiction films (see also Queen of Blood (1966)). In this case, copious footage is taken from Planeta Bur (Planet of Storms, 1962). In fact, the new American footage makes up only a small percentage of the running time, with Basil Rathbone and Faith Domergue each more or less statically isolated within a space station or shuttle, communicating remotely with each other and with the astronauts on Venus. It uses a technique which has become synonymous with Godfrey Ho in my mind, where scenes from disparate films are linked together via showing parties from either film seemingly talking to one another over the telephone (or in this case, via radio transmissions). In any case, the American footage is almost totally dispensable, with the main storyline being almost entirely comprised of dubbed footage from Planeta Bur.

And this is not a bad thing at all. Planeta Bur looks like it had a sizeable budget (much higher than the average Corman film anyway), and the sets and special effects are not bad given the era. I particularly liked some of the underwater exploration sequences, which were fairly effectively and imaginatively filmed. Care was also apparently taken with the dubbing, which matches fairly well with the actors’ mouth movements – although some fairly convoluted phrasing is used at times in order to achieve this.

There are some hokey moments, statements of illogical scientific ‘facts’, and laughably poor decisions make by the crew (for example, two of them decide to escape a lava flow by jumping on the shoulders of John the robot and commanding the robot to walk through the molten rock – not sure what John is made of, but I would like to see a robot which could withstand this. To make matters worse, a second later John unsurprisingly detects that he cannot tolerate the heat, and will need to throw one of them off, leading to a last minute rush to disable him, and leaving all three stranded in the middle of the river of lava!). But this all just adds to the charm of its 50s sci-fi atmosphere. Overall it’s a pretty entertaining film of its type, and the superfluous nature of the new scenes make me want to dig up a copy of Planeta Bur in full.

Worth watching? Yes: this film is an interesting glimpse into the world of Soviet science fiction, and a pretty fun watch to boot. And it’s definitely a better and much more entertaining film than the other Corman production that heavily borrows from Planeta Bur, the nonsensical Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968, featuring Mamie van Doren(!))

Truth in advertising? In this film, Venus is home to brontosaurus, pterodactyls and miscellaneous other dinosaur-adjacent lizard creatures, so I’d say the title works well enough: 4/5.